Man-Child

I absolutely hate having to step out of my inner self into my outer self in order to solve things in the real world. Possibly because I hate my outer self or because I am just a gigantic man-child that is functionally and emotionally unable to deal with the demands of society and the grown up world. Whereas my inner self can be whoever he wants.

I might have never grown up. This must be why I keep looking for jobs that reflect this immaturity. I avoid discipline and responsibility like Satan avoids the cross. I wish I could be responsibility-free so I keep looking for that way out, so that I can live in my infancy, my safe magic world forever.

Every day I hope to cross that threshold that will take me to the land of zero responsibility. The one book that will sell millions, the one discovery that I can turn into a profitable web service, the jackpot, the treasure on the ground. The final act in the story that will defuse the pneumatic engine pressing my walls in and will allow me to breath.

That, of course, is bullshit. If one wants to live off writing, one has to write. If one wants to live off programming, one has to program. The quest for the ocean invariably teaches us that water is all around us and that it is in the day-to-day that the battle is won. It is not about winning the decisive battle, it is about consistent practice and logistics.

I desperately wish magic was real and that it could solve my problems for me. Turns out that it isn’t and it won’t. I don’t want to grow up. If I grow up I shatter my self-image and become no one. A sub-par adult, with no real abilities and experiences.

It is clear now that there is no such a thing as zero responsibility. Everyone has problems, you can only choose what pain you are willing to face and what battles you are willing to fight day in, day out. Happiness is getting shit done, winning the fights that you had coming. If I take too long to pick my fights, they will be chosen for me.

I feel I will be forced to crash land into the real world very soon, and it will not be pretty. The collision will destroy everything I love and there will likely be no time to pick up the pieces.